I hate you
You make me want to die
You make me want to choke myself. cut myself. jump off a bridge. leap in front of a train.

But I know I won't.
I'm fucking chicken shit. I know my mom wouldn't be able to handle things if I were to die.

I just want to get out of here.
I want away from these people.

4 close friends?
More like 1, maybe 1 and a half.

I want out of this hell hole, I want away from this fucking place.

dig me now fuck me later.

Confused

I'm confused by a lot of things in life, and everything seems to be crashing at once inside my head. Conflicting ideas and questions and answers.
It seems to me that I've been paying closer attention to the way people do the things they do, and say the things they say. How they mean these things. How their personality contributes to the way they act around others, and by themselves.

I want to scream the words inside my head, that keep on pounding back and forth to be released, but if I do, not only am I scared of what others will think or do, I fear that if by speaking, I am finalizing what I've been pondering.

That it will all become too real for me to deal with.
I wish I could learn to deal, but I can't, and I know it.
I hate this feeling.
I hate these thoughts.
I just want them to end.
I just want them to die.

Will you help me?
Or will you run off, like I foresee everyone around me eventually doing?

Another Hate Post

I hate people.
I really do.
I hate how I continue to 'DeviantWatch' someone who I used to be friends with, when I know it will only piss me off more.

The problem at hand? Mary.
We used to be friends.
Now we aren't.
Not getting into that.

BUT-See, I'm kindasortaish? friends with Sam Ritt still. I mean..I've known her since I was in 3rd grade, and she used to go out with my brother. Just because she and Mary live practically next door does not mean she's not a friend of mine. And Sam Shirk? Eh. It's weird there, that friendship.

Anyhoo, the thing is, Sam Ritt doesn't LIVE in my neighborhood. And in my neighborhood we have a preserved piece of land away from development that has a creek that branches into the rest of the neighborhood. I love it here, Pine Tree Farms (: The thing though is, there are taxes on the land, and as such, if you go to the activities the PTF Board peoples set up, you pay 20$ 'dues' per house, i think? and you can use the Woods freely.

What makes me mad is how Mary, Shirk, and Ritt all hang out in the woods. All the time. Like, that's MY neighborhood. Sam's GRAMMA lives here, yes, but she does not.

It's just something that has ALWAYS ticked me off.
And seeing photos on her dA account really made me mad (Mary's), for she had a 'photoshoot' there.

Um. Right.
The one image of Sam is uber blurry.
And the watermark?
Nobody's going to steal your photos; trust me.

UGHHH WHATEVER

I wish

I could take credit for a lot of the witty things I say and do

But I can’t

Everything I say and do is influenced by a moment in my life

Everything I say or do has a back story…a memory that I cling to..

I wish I could be as amazing as some see me, but I know I’m not

I know I’m a failure. I know I’m a daft idiot. I know I’m an impulsive-at-time, indecisive babbling idiot.

I *know* I forget important things and remember the simple, stupid things in life.

I know I become way too obsessive at times.

And I know I have way too many blogs.

Out of all these things that I know, I do not know who I am. Without the influences or important people, who am I? What am I? What kind of life will I lead?

I do not know who I am. What I like. What I enjoy. I know the bare minimum of these things, but I cannot tell you *fully* what it is that I anticipate for. If the things I stumble over are truly worth it.

I am unable to start many sentences without using “I”.

I know that I am selfish, but besides being conceited, what does that mean, in retrospect?

Understanding Love is a bitch that I do not comprehend. People try to help, and yet, I fail terribly to meet their standards that they have set before me.

Life is a mystery.

I hate mysteries.

I hate the unknown.

I hate me.

I wish that I did not hate so many things. I wish that I knew more about myself and who I was. I wish that I wasn’t *afraid* to discover these things and see if they are what they seem. I wish that I was able to be me.

I wish that I could not be a repetitive baboon. Once I find something that someone finds smart or interesting, I repeat it, plastering it everywhere, trying to share it with everyone.

I wish that I did not do that. And yet…I know that I’m not going to stop. I know that this is who I am.

and i hate it more than you will ever know.

Almost Lover?

Welp, I tried to write this blog from my phone last night when I really, REALLY, needed to/wanted to.
Only.
Turns out theres a word limit ish thing?
Idk, but Isaid fuck it and I exited it.

Anyhoo, one of my new favorite songs is Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. I first heard it from a Cosplay Music Video done by Koi Cosplay, mainly put together by DemonicGaara, on youtube (click here to see it).

One thing to know about me: i do not believe in Love. I believe in Platonic Love. I believe in Physical Attraction and Lust, but not Love. I find it foolish.

At least in reality. . .
Because I am a die-hard Yaoi-Fan I'm kind of an oxymoron, ne? And how I love romance novels and romantic movies and stuff. Sure, I laugh at the movies, but when it comes to Yaoi-Manga or whatever? I'm giggling ><

Don't get me started on Cosplay photos or fanfiction. They make me giggle EVEN MORE.

Which makes me think that, hey, do I believe in Love?

Because I had come to the conclusion long ago that I didn't.
And yet. . . the Video pulled at my heart strings, caused me to flail about, and squeal like a little kid.

Gahhh.

I swear last night there was a much more structured form to this thing.
I mean it.

I had started off by saying how the song was stuck in my head right when I wanted to go to sleep, and my laptop was off in the living room, so I went to look at my subscriptions of Youtube, thinking there were a lot, when really there was one. Really? Wow. Anyhoo, then I was like 'Hey, I'll go see if there's a music video for Almost Lover so its still stuck in my head!'

Wrong move, lemme tell you.
I searched 'Almost Lover Music Video' and a bunch of Twilight shit came up.
That just pissed me the FUCK OFF SO BADLY.
Twilight's cool, sure, I mean, I'm kinda a fan. I make fun of it and criticize it like shit, but, I've been reading it since 2005. So yeah.
Anyhoo, SEEing all those videos just pissed me off. . . a song that I felt dearly to, and loved way too much for it to be normal, was being used by TwiHards

Really?
Seriously?
That pissed. Me. The. Fuck Off.

So, instead, I went to watch the video DemonicGaara/KoiCosplay put together (linked above somewhere)....Bad decision.

Let's get one thing straight: I hate crying. Personally, at least. I absolutely hate it. I cry, like, what, 5 times a year? IF that?
And watching the video I started to get all emotional and blubbery
x-x

which made me REAAALLY wanna blog (only Blogger and Sprint hate each other, apparently, and I wans't able to) about it

About the amazing song

About how everything I thought I knew was going kind of haywire.

Like the whole not believing in Love part of me.
I've been such a SasuNaru (SasukexNaruto for those that don't know) fangirl this past week it's been making me rethink things.

{>.>; I partly blame NavyBlueWings' amazing fanfiction}

So.
Blah.
This doesn't really have much of a point, does it?
Sorry for that.
I just..
really needed to blog.

I'm prob gonna make the Almost Lover vid the video on here, now, too
>.>;

DONTJUDGEME
*goes into corner of woe and listens to Almost Lover on repeat*

Hello?

I haven't blogged lately.
Sorry.
Currently I'm in New Jersey babysitting and my laptop is getting fixed back home :D

Did I mention Firefox Exploded? Thats what the dude, John, from our neighborhood who is fixing it said happened whilst he was getting rid of all my spyware and viruses...

D:
the poor Fox!

XD
But yeah; that's getting fixed; he's also giving me more memory and a new battery! huzzah! (my batter died early last year and I've been living off of the power cord since such time)

Woot soo...what else is new with me?
Um....
SCHOOL STARTS SEPTEMBER FIRST!
huzzah?

aaaand orientation on the 24th ;D
NOT TO MENTION ZENKAIKON IN NOVEMBER!
Saturday & Sunday, babayy!

If all goes according to plan, Alina Emily and I shall be cosplaying on Saturday possible a casual version of Fulmetal Alchemist's Lust, Riza, and Sheska. Aand on Sunday, a strict-from-anime cosplay of Naruto Shippuden's Ino, Sakura, and TenTen!
If Bryn can go she wants to cosplay as Sailor Moon :3

*flails*

We just have to ask our moms...get money...and start buying/creating! :3
We want to stay overnight at a hotel but we don't know what mom's will say. But like, activities go until 11pm soo whats the point of driving nearly an hour back only to go back Sunday at 8/9AM ish?

:D *flails*

Oi, Fact: Teen Titan's marathon ish thing today going on right now on Cartoon Network. I'm in heaven (:

I missed this show soooo much!

I'll shush now

;;;; When I get home I'll also get a new video up on here! I haven't been on youtube in forever so I'll be searching for something to play here!;;;

tl;dr : in jersey, laptop getting fixed, cosplaying zenkaikon in november, teen titans marathon, new video soon

Video Fail?

Went on to look at a comment on one of my blogs, and you know how the video auto starts?
Well, the sound on this computer wasn't muted.
It reverts back to normal everyday, so even though I muted it the other day, it went back to normal.
Oh, and did I mention the room was COMPLETELY SILENT minus a couple shushed conversations and the clacking of keys?
Yeah.
And then out of no where Shut Up and Sleep With Me began playing
BECAUSE THAT IS JUST SO CONVENIENT
x-x

Just wanted to blog about it(:
Last day of classes this week at camp
Going to NYC tomorrow (train at 10AM ish, be back around 8PM ish)
(: